Martin Moments

Every Ending Leads to a New Beginning

2011-05-27T13:25:00.002-05:00

"No Matter What Happens, Keep on Beginning and Failing, Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you find that you have accomplished a purpose-not the one you began with perhaps, but one you will be glad to remember." Ann Sullivan

Sometimes I wait so long to write something or try anything new. I am always waiting thinking it needs to be profound, but sometimes I let this over thinking part of myself stop me from moving forward. And in the same sense, I am sometimes waiting to start new things, because I am afraid of failure.

I like the above quote, I relate to it in terms of my personality, which never likes failure, tries to hard to avoid it. Even though most of our greatest growths and character traits often bloom from our biggest heart aches or failures. It also resonates with the events in my life in the past year, and reminds me of a chance for a "New Beginning" despite the heartache that we endured.

I have been meaning to write since April 29, 2011. The one year anniversary of Lily's birth, whom I delivered stillborn after finding out that her heart had stopped beating at my 24 week appointment. The day brought alot of mixed emotions. It was really hard leading up to the day, moments of reliving all that had happened that day, delivering her, holding her, and then thinking about many other challenges that came throughout the rest of the year. But, when the day arrived, there was a sense of peace that came over me at the same time. We had arrived, we had survived a really hard year, and I had this special day to try and remember her, but also realize that even though I miss her so dearly, I am stronger and in many ways a better person as I reflect back on the past year of my life. I have arrived at this place after many "failures" in some ways, but I do have a deeper sense of purpose in my life and a faith that has grown stronger. I have several "Lily" resolutions and with her spirit, all that we journeyed through, and the pain I endured, I have moments where I see the benefits of these "Lily" resolutions and I hope to keep them close to my heart and continue to live them out for the rest of my life as best as I can.

The picture I posted is a Lily plant I gave my mother for Mother's day last year just a week or two after we lost Lily. It was just a single plant when she got it. She emailed this picture to me around Mother's Day this year, and it was so amazing to see how with a little tender loving care from my mom and her knack for flowers, it has grown and blossomed so beautiful, more than I would have ever imagined it when she first received it last year. I love the beauty of Lily flowers, and I will always treasure them as memories of our sweet daughter.

May the beauty and growth of the multitude of flowers in just one year, remind us all that Every Ending Truly does lead to a "New Beginning" if we can have the strength, patience, and faith to endure the hard times and failures along the way.

Bittersweet Springtime - Finding Our Path

2011-04-01T16:57:00.005-05:00

Psalm 23:1-5 The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of rightesouness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You annoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Sometimes, my life races at record speeds. I have trouble slowing down at times to catch my breath and keep things organized. I just run in thousands of directions forgetting where I really intended to end up when I started in each different direction, feeling a little lost looking for the right path at times.

Today, I am finally slowing down, and getting back on the trail. I have been wanting to write many times in the past couple of months, but I haven't taken the time to sit down and get my thoughts out. Sometimes I do this when I get too busy, over committed. I have noticed I also do this when I struggle. Sometimes I disappear from the world a bit when feeling sad or confused, when really these are the times when I need my friends, my family, and the rest of the world the most.

The New Year started out pretty great for us! I was running lots of miles, completed a half marathon in February, and had a great trip with Ted & friends in Austin. We completed another year of marriage, 8 years to be exact! We have also had many other great times with friends and family. But, as spring has come, I have struggled more than I had expected. Spring is typically my favorite time of year. I love running in the spring time, seeing the leaves bursting in green up in the trees, watching as all the flowers bloom and paint a beautiful pastel of landscape and color, and feeling the crisp cool breeze. I also really love when the days grow longer. I am a sunshine girl who tries to keep a sunshine kind of smile, so I just really like the spring and the coming of more sunshine.

This year, the springtime has been great for me in many ways. I am feeling more in "great" shape again and really love getting out and running as much as possible these days (and thanks to a couple friends, I am running more than ever logging all kinds of miles. I am just as crazy as ever, at 55 miles for the week, but still way behind my crazy friend Andrea :)

At the same time, I didn't anticipate the sad feelings and difficult emotions that would overwhelm me at times with the coming of this spring. I guess as we approach the first anniversary and birth/loss of Lily, the grief is definitely coming back to the surface a bit. I can't believe it has already been almost an entire year since we lost Lily and delivered her on April 29th, 2010.

I have had some really tough days again. Days where I analyze the whole last year, and at times just feel so sad, that we lost Lily, and still don't know for sure when the day will come that we might have a baby here on earth with us. I also find that I get disappointed realizing I had these set expectations of things that would surely happen by the time a whole year had passed, and a bit of disappointment realizing that some are far from where I thought they might be. Other times, I see my patients or what others around me are facing, and I am at peace, I know that I have alot to be thankful for, even without a child of my own to raise on earth. I often just feel a bit of confusion, trying to ask God, what it is he really wants for us, what our plan is, feeling a bit lost out on the Path, trying to see where he is leading me, looking for a light up ahead, or for a bright shining "headlamp" to drop from above to lead me on my way!

Last Friday, we had a beautiful Dedication Service for Lily at Presbyterian Hospital, and it was so helpful for me. We are so blessed that there is a now a plaque in the Margot Perot building honoring her, a bassinet in her memory for other families to use, as well as a brick that has been placed in front of our church in her memory. I think in terms of tangible memories, we are very blessed to have all of these reminders of our baby. I hope that other families may be comforted when they are faced with similar tragic situations, knowing others have survived the journey, and that our babies are not forgotten, that they are not alone.

I am sometimes a worrier about figuring out the right way to do this or that, and it has been good for me to try to let this go throughout this process. Stillbirth is not common enough for there to be a set of proper "etiquette" or standards. You really have to make your own path, and find your own way of deciding how to remember your baby and how to live out your own individual grief. For the longest time this was so hard for me. I wanted someone to tell me the "right" way to do things and the "proper" way to "most efficiently" grieve. As an athlete, I wanted to conquer it, and get to the finish as soon as possible some days. But, I have found, that this grief is much more complicated and confusing than the process of running straight even for 26 miles or clocking 140 miles in an Ironman, reaching the finish, getting your medal, and basking in the glory of completion in the journey to your ultimate goal.

Unfortunately this simply was not possible with grief over Lily. And, over time I have tried to let these worries go. Grief is not a steady mountain to climb, it is not a set cycle to determine or predict. It is always changing as you go, and some days you just have to allow it to be what it is. Whether you find yourself deep in a valley with seemingly no way to climb to the top one day, or the very next day filled with complete peace and serenity, as if sitting still overlooking the glorious ocean understanding more deeply the meaning and preciousness of life.

In the past few weeks, I have really struggled at times. Last night I had this mix of emotions overwhelm me, but also a burst of pure joy. I had just returned from a late evening jog and chat with a friend, and in the dark, I noticed a slight bit of red popping out of our rose bush on the side of the house. I was so excited, I couldn't believe my eyes!! Our good friends gave us this rosebush, and we planted it right after we lost Lily. I first had a thought of relief thinking, "Oh wow, it is coming back into bloom, I didn't kill it in the past year!!" I also noticed, that not only did the rosebush bloom a beautiful flower, but that I had almost missed the flower entirely, as it is already starting to wilt a bit. It was still so beautiful to me, knowing today we would begin April possibly reliving some of the pain that we endured last April.

Most of all, I was so incredibly filled with joy that we already had a beautiful flower in her honor and that many more will likely come to follow to brighten my way through spring. I did feel disappointed in myself a little. I have been pretty busy with work, teaching a class, running around doing a million things, that I almost missed the bright life of this sweet flower. How could I let life escape me so much, to have almost missed such a blessing?? We really must take time to truly "stop and smell the roses," because we never know when they might be gone or wilted away. So, even though I am sad to admit that I missed the first few days of beautiful glory for this sweet rose, it truly brings joy to my heart that I have the blessing of its life and color in memory of Little Lily to soothe my soul. I pray for many more to come and bloom to brighten the days as we move along this journey through April.

May we remember our sweet baby girl, and trust God to comfort our sorrows and bring joy and glimmers of his true light to guide us on the winding path that lies ahead.

A Month to Remember!!

2011-02-22T22:19:00.000-06:00

A CRAZY SNOW/ICE Week, but a Great Day of Sledding!!

8 YEARS OF MARRIAGE as of Feb. 1st!! So, thankful for my dear hubby Ted! This will be an anniversary to remember, it continued for a whole week due to the snow/ice... all restaurants closed lead to a romantic night out to Pizza Hut, Flowers delivered 2 days later than Ted intended, another night out to make up for Pizza Hut! It was the never ending anniversary! But, I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband and a good sense of humor in all the adventures that we have had together in the last 8 years, looking forward to many more to come!!

A New HAIRCUT! I got a new do for the new year, and I have enjoyed spending some time with some good friends, and hugging on their adorable children! This is my buddy Luke!

HALF MARATHON COMPLETE!!! And, a Great weekend in Austin!!!

Saturday Saga

2011-01-28T16:31:00.002-06:00

This is just a funny story for your reading pleasure. I was telling my good buddy Andrea a few weeks ago, that I wanted to lighten up my blog a bit in the New Year, at least occasionally. It has been therapeutic to write about my struggles after losing Lily, but sometimes I go back and read it, and it has some pretty heavy stuff. I am generally pretty happy go lucky, running around like a chicken, and doing a lot of really random silly stuff in the process. The reality of tragedy changed that for a while. But, I love those days when chaos, fun, or just plain normal craziness surface in my day to day adventures helping me feel a little more like we have overcome some of the hardest days of our tragedy. I will always remember Lily, and the loss, and it has truly changed me. But, it has also helped me try to lighten up day to day and just go with the flow a little, knowing that we just don't know what might happen tomorrow, and we might as well do our best to appreciate all of today, no matter what the day brings.

So, I have been meaning to post a silly story from last Saturday. I will try not to make it too long, but here goes.

Sat. 10:15 AM - we arrived at our friend's house for a little retreat gathering with friends from our church. I had a few food items, and bags to carry in, was chatting with Ted in the process. So grabbed everything from the car, and headed inside.
10:20 - we are getting settled inside. I have a thought "I can't find my cell phone" I look, and it is not in my purse, I think "It is probably out in the car, or maybe even on top of the car, maybe I should go check..."
10:21... or less than 30 seconds later, I get distracted by something, start blabbering, and forget all about it..
A FEW HOURS LATER - still there, having a grand discussion, then eating lunch with friends, I have a tiny thought "Oh yeah, still don't know where my phone is...hope it is in the car"
2:15 PM - Ted & I go out to leave, I am chatting about "What a beautiful day it is, and how we should go do something outdoors and enjoy it.." We both just climb in the car, and I take off driving.
2:20 PM - I hear a "thunk" as I am entering the on ramp to the George Bush Turnpike, rambling a replay of our time with friends as Ted listens patiently. So, I look in the rear view mirror and say "What was that?" "Did I run over something?" Ted says, "I don't know?" I see a small black object bounce back in the distance, it looks small, cars behind me, so I just keep driving, all seems ok I think...
2:35 PM - we are 10 miles away back near our house at LBJ & Skillman, and I say "where is my phone?" "I forgot, I never found my phone....then "Oh S#** (please God forgive my foul language in this moment) that was my phone on the car, and it flew off..." Ted then says he guesses we should go back to retrieve it, because even if it is destroyed, in order to get a new one... it might help to have the destructed one to explain..
2:50 PM - we arrive all the way back in North East Richardson, and pull slowly onto the ramp, we start arguing about how I need to slow down and how I don't think it is safe to stop here, and Ted then yells "STOP" just as I almost smash right over the thing... He jumps out quickly retrieves the blasted phone (My New Android, not cheap, just given to me by my sweet mother about 6 months ago, My first "SMART" Phone :) It was still INTACT!!! But, the screen was more than SHATTERED! He jumped in and we headed home again, for the 2nd time! Ted laughs and says,"I guess you will be heading to the Verizon store."

Then, 2 Verizon stores later and about 20 more miles of driving, I was able to replace my "SMART" phone, with a new version and a little cheaper, "SMART" phone. I had all this internal stress in the process, thinking maybe I did not deserve another "SMART" phone. How stupid I felt, how we are trying to save money, starting a "financial peace" class, and now I have gone off and left my expensive phone on top of my car and unfortunately found that it cannot sustain life after a crash traveling at 50 + MPH and bouncing on the asphalt. I would love to say that ANDROID was paying me money to do destructive crash testing, but unfortunately, it was just another Saga of a day to add to my long list of "Unfortunate Happenings." And, my sweet husband, recalled at least 3-4 other recent "Kristina Classics" as we drove along to refresh my memory, and help me feel even better about myself :) ...

I will say, that my friend Emily had given an example earlier on this same day, of how sometimes God provides a need in our times of crisis, maybe even in the "exact" $$ money amount we desperately need sometimes, and it causes a major "WOW" moment in our lives. Well, after some negotiating at the Verizon store, they were able to find me a way to change our contract, buy a new phone for $108 and get a rebate for $100. So, although I lost the rest of my "beautiful" day dealing with this Saga, I ended up down a total of only $8 at the end of the day, It was definitely a "WOW" moment for me. God did provided, and with some personal commitment to our new goal to "save" money... he rescued me, even in my moment of stupidity and irresponsibility! Yes, I know God will not always rescue us in times of trial, I have that testament from all of last year. But, when we pay attention to even these $100 moments, it is so amazing how he works at times! So, thank you God, for saving me in my moment of Irresponsibility! We now have a new rule in the Martin House, Kristina is not allowed to place any items cheap or expensive on top of her car, at anytime!

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, no lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Have a Wonderful Weekend,

A New Year - Bring it on for the Martins!

2011-01-08T13:08:00.003-06:00

2011 - Here we Go, A New Journey Lies Ahead!

‎"... But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:24-25

I actually really love the start of a New Year! And, to be honest, I am less than sad to see 2010 go, and that chapter of our lives behind us. It was a tough year to say the least. But, we survived, and look forward to a brighter future ahead. 2011 doesn't have to be filled with spectacular events, I just want things to be a little smoother and less painful than 2010! So, I look forward to a fresh start as we turn the pages of the calendar ahead and start a New Year.

I am not crazy about setting 100 resolutions or anything like that, because I am often disappointed by week two when I have broken them. But, I have had some things on my heart recently that have been interesting. I shared them with a friend recently as we made my "list" for 2011, and even put it in paper. It is much different from many of my past lists, but is is intriguing me a bit to see where God will take me this next year. I almost feel God asking me to be "open" willing to "listen" to his voice and follow his direction. So, I will share this list with you, knowing that God may change his will, or my direction, but these are some things on my heart for now that I am looking forward to in the next year possibly trying...

1. Go on a "Mission Trip" - Have just spoken to my dear friend Autumn, and she could easily help me get to Haiti, Honduras, possibly Ecuador, or Africa
2. Go on a "Spiritual Retreat," possibly a "quiet" retreat. I generally talk ALOT, so for me to go on a "quiet" retreat would definitely take some divine intervention to get me through! But, I am hoping that it will help calm my anxious heart and mind, and quiet some of the "noise" I feel right now. I think getting away and "slowing" down "being still" and yes, even "quiet" might be very good for me! I have a place I am looking into that my friend Andrea told me about, so looking forward to making this happen.
3. "More Financial Peace." Ted & I have been very blessed financially, but we a few areas that we would like to take care of, and knowing that we were already planning, and still hope to have a family one day. We have the goal to be better stewards of our resources in the year to come. Holly is recruiting us for the Dave Ramsey series, so we are seriously considering and likely going to start the series with them in a couple of weeks, which I think will be good for us.
4. "Volunteer" with a Boys and Girl's club. I have always loved hanging out with children of all ages, and I used to be a basketball and soccer player for most of my life. I have many great memories of playing these sports with various groups of children and it being such a blessing for me. I attended a basketball game on Christmas day, and the players were honoring many children for the boys and girl's club. When I saw all the kids come out, I started to really "cry" which is funny, since at other times, I have so much difficulty expressing true emotion. But, others like my husband, know that I am really a true "sap" on the inside. Anyway, when I had that feeling come over me, I knew I needed to remember that moment, and try to really make an effort to volunteer some time with some children in need in the upcoming year!
5. "Organize and Dump" I have this internal stress about the "junk" that we accumulate at times. And, I don't like the feeling of our house feeling "disorderly" when our lives get really busy. Other times I am literally disgusted by the American habit of "accumulating" gadgets, electronics, books, clothes, etc.. when there are others around the globe who have so little. Anyway, this is probably a life long goal for me, that will never be quite "completed" in my mind. But, in taking after the book "The Happiness Project." I actually think spending the rest of January on this goal, will be beneficial. There is a freeing aspect of getting rid of unnecessary "clutter" and feeling a little more "organized" at times. So, I think I will start with this goal first.
6. "Hope" for a Family still to come. I don't know for sure what God's plans are. But, I hope that having a family is still in the cards for us. So far, we have ruled out most complications that would really relate the two losses with some testing we have completed. So, there is still great hope for us to have our own children. It may be that the Stillbirth and loss of Lily was indeed caused by the cord problem, and the second miscarriage, was just an early miscarriage that anyone could have had. The two losses were more than difficult to overcome. But, we try to maintain our hope in the upcoming year, that even if the year doesn't bring a child before 2012 rings in, that we will see more clearly his purposes and be on the road hopefully closer to becoming parents again.
7. "Run" a Half Marathon. So, I did run a Marathon in 2010, despite the tough year that it was, I was glad to do it for myself and to honor Lily. However, I did say out loud to my husband, next time if I have some "emotional stress/trauma" I think I will just try for a "Half Marathon" race. So, for 2011, following up on the recent miscarriage and 2nd loss in November. I have decided to do a "Half Marathon." So, thankful for my running friends who have me well on my way to this goal, as Andrea and I already did a "half marathon" 13.1 mile training run last weekend. As always, running is therapy, it is stress relief, it is me, and what I love. So thankful that I have running in my life. So, next step, signing up for a Half Marathon race for February!

So, I will start the year with these aspirations on my mind, trusting that God will lead me on his path to fulfilling these, or help me to see more clearly what his plans are instead for me as the days unfold. I feel a bit of a sense of excitement as I used to feel in my younger years of the endless possibilities that may lie ahead, hopefully it will overcome the fear that often overtakes me of worry about what bad things might happen instead. I must know that even in the painful times that may lie ahead, we are so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful friends, a wonderful church family, and great communities/friends in our jobs. Sometimes, when you go through tough times you are blinded in amazement with what you really have to be thankful for, that we often don't see in the business of daily life, providing comfort and light ahead in every direction. But, on the days that I can see this more clearly, it is truly more than AMAZING!

May I take quiet times, to continue to be still, listen for God's voice, and be patient in periods of "waiting" as I look forward to the continued coming and unfolding of this New Year. Bring it on for the Martins! We are glad you are here! Now let's really get Running and see where God will lead us on this journey!

Happy New Year,

The Village brings Hope

2010-12-15T00:03:00.001-06:00

"The Christmas tree represents hope and the desire for a good harvest or prosperous year."

I like this quote, because I have been enjoying some quiet moments recently, sitting quietly, staring at the lights on my Christmas tree. Ted has even laughed as he has found me sitting with my dogs just staring at the tree in a quiet, otherwise dark room, on more than one occasion. I find a sense of peace staring into the lights and do feel a sense of longing for hope in my soul.

Today is a day full of hope, and this hope started building in my soul over the weekend. It was a nice weekend with some joy in holiday parties, laughter with good friends, and topped off with a great gathering with some wonderful ladies on Sunday night.

I made a comment at the women's study on Sunday night that made me realize a wonderful thing. I stated that it is amazing how we can often feel the presence of great people surrounding us in our darkest times, and sometimes the most unexpected events align to bring a little joy, despite the questioning and agony that still come with other unexplained circumstances. And, although the pain may still be there, it brings a great sense of hope and peace. I stopped on Sunday when I made the comment, and realized the presence of God was surrounding me, even when so many things are difficult to grasp at this time.

I am actually overwhelmed if I think about the village that surrounds me at times, that carries me through each minute, each day, each week. And, today I look up and realize that I have alot to be thankful for in the midst of my painful times and the waiting that I am currently having to endure.

God sends people and orchestrates events, often not what we are expecting at our greatest times of need. And, if I can stop to look around, it is so amazing to realize all the people and events that continue to bring me peace even in the midst of difficult times.

Yes, I have had some rough days again, been a little crazy if you asked Ted. But, I continue to move forward with so many wonderful people carrying me along. I still so deeply wish to have a child one day, and my heart aches for the loss of Lily and this more recent loss on top of it all. But, I do feel a sense of peace when I stop and recount all of the wonderful people and events that have occurred in the last few weeks.

Here is a long list that comes to mind:
- 4 dear Friends coordinating schedules with each other, dropping everything to come and sit with me in the day after our 2nd loss, so Ted could spend some time away with a friend
-A random night, with others not being able to make a study, ending up with a great one on one visit with my Pastor's wife, a great woman and friend. What a blessing it was to have her over,with my husband out of town, and for her gift of listening and encouragement, even though the original event had not worked out.
- A friend meeting me for dinner who has also lost a baby to stillbirth, and then accompanying me to our church for an advent grief service
- A pastor having a grief service this holiday season, when for two weeks, I had been telling people, even my counselor, that I felt so "numb" that it was difficult, I wished I could "feel" more, something....
-Going to this service and stepping forward to the alter, tears streaming down, touched by healing hands, marked with the cross, anointed with oil, tears still streaming down. Feeling God's presence surrounding me and being so thankful for this quiet time, I so desperately needed... the numbness lifting..
-A wonderful mom sitting next to me during the service just hugging me as I continued to cry
- A great friend meeting me for breakfast and sharing her grief of a recent loss, us sharing our stories and struggles, and trying to make sense of it all.
- A triathlon coach and dear friend, meeting with me, and writing me a training schedule to help give me a sense of purpose for now, while I am stuck in this period of waiting. But, encouraging me to keep hope for having children, and helping me find a healthy balance for now.
- A nurse, a friend, and a chaplain, who have been meeting with me once a month since we lost Lily, who have helped me so much.
-Running into an old soccer buddy at Central Market on Sunday, and her mentioning her sadness over us losing Lily, even though we have not seen each other in more than a year or two, sharing our recent life stories.
-Running my first run again after another loss with my dear friend, then making it a week later around the lake for a loop for the first time "again", with her encouragement every step of the way.
-A husband who stands by my side even on the toughest days, always giving me the security that he is sticking with this and me, even when things reach some of their toughest points. His quiet sense of peace in my most anxious times, brings comfort to my soul.
-There have been many other countless messages from friends, friends understanding when I have to cancel plans, because I sometimes just don't feel up to "big" outings. So many wonderful people and events that have really helped me through the last few weeks.

All of these wonderful events and people, the whole village that surrounds me, have brought me to today, a day that has been a truly wonderful day, that has made me feel back in my "Kristina" groove! Even if it is just "one" day, it feels great! Last week was really rough, but today was a great day, and for now I will make the choice, to feel so grateful for this day, and for all the wonderful people that have brought me to a place that would allow such joy and peace.

I didn't win the lottery, I didn't hear the results of my testing yet, I didn't have any out of the ordinary accomplishments. I still don't know for sure if we will ever be able to have our own children. But, between the normal daily events of work, my patients, working out, and interactions with my husband, actual happy anticipation of Christmas, and more of a glimmer of joy in my soul, it was truly a wonderful day.

May we all feel the presence of God and others around us in our most difficult times. May I be a light to shine on others as so many have shined hope upon me. May we gather together as a village and community to carry each other and surround each other through all the journeys that lie ahead.

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry. "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." - Romans 8:14

God Bless,

So We Wait...

2010-11-28T22:48:00.001-06:00

November has been a hard month, but once again we have survived tough times. I was 9 weeks pregnant, but unfortunately just recently lost the baby. Friday, November 19, just the week before Turkey day, we found out there was no heart beat after having a sonogram with a good strong heartbeat just the Monday before. I went in that Friday evening and had a D&C, so they could do some testing on the tissue. It is all a bit shocking, but not near as devastating as losing Lily at 24 weeks. The combination of the two losses is of course devastating, and a huge blow to my confidence in the idea of actually having a healthy child one day. Statistically speaking the odds of having an early miscarriage are pretty high, at least 25%. I was just hoping to escape the odds in light of everything else we had gone through this year, but realistically, this is not really how things work with statistics. We will go through some other testing, to see if there is anything else going on with me and my body, before trying this all for the third time. Yes, most will say, surely this wouldn't happen again, but with our track record, I am losing faith a bit, and getting a little more leery. So, we wait for a new plan.

I have a good life, I have a great husband, a wonderful family, and many amazing friends. I have been blessed to do some wonderful things in my life so far. I have traveled a good bit, pushed my body to the limits, learned some valuable lessons, and overall I have experienced alot of fun along the way. All of this time, I have felt being a bit of a driven person, that I was somewhat in control. Well, I am learning more and more, that this simply isn't the case. Sometimes, the things we want most, are the things we have the least control over. So, we wait, we keep our faith, we try to keep our priorities in check, and we try to learn the beauty of truly living life one day at a time, not worrying or stressing about tomorrow. Having faith to know that we will be able to handle whatever tomorrow will bring. And, holding on to hope that we may very well get the very desires of our heart, maybe not in our timetable or how we planned, but there is still hope for our future. So we wait.

Remembering Lily

2010-11-03T18:47:00.001-05:00

This Sunday is All Saints Sunday, and I was so excited to receive a letter in the mail from our church the other day that they would be honoring our sweet Lily. This is what the letter said:

"Each year on All Saints Sunday, we remember the Saints of King of Glory who have died this past year and who now rest with our Lord. During the worship services on Sunday, November 7, 2010, as we gratefully remember little Lily Rene', a white rose will be placed in a vase in her memory.

I will be keeping you in my prayers, and pray that in the midst of your sorrow, you will be able to picture your daughter with our Lord, in whose name we were promised new life with Him."

So, I have decided to add a couple prayers from my brother and a letter I previously wrote, to honor her this week of All Saints Sunday. We are so thankful and feel so blessed to have a wonderful loving church community that is remembering her and honoring her without us even having to ask.

Here are two prayers my brother gave me (I am just now really at a point where I can pray them more whole heartedly, and truly find peace in their messages):

Prayer for Commendation

Lily, Child of God, we entrust you to the arms of God's Mercy.

Almight God, who formed us all out of the dust of the earth, receive you in peace.

Christ, the Good Shepherd, enfold you with his tender care.

God, the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, bear you to life in god's new creation.

May you dwell forever in the paradise of God.

Amen

Prayer for Hope and God's Love

Heavenly Father, your love for all children is strong and enduring. We were not able to know Lily as we hoped. Yet, you knew her growing in Kristina's womb, and she is not lost to you. In the midst of our sadness, we thank you that Lily is with you now, and with you forever.

And, here is a letter I wrote to her in the midst of my grieving, that was helpful in trying to put words to the immense love and lost hopes and dreams that we have for her as her parents:

Baby Lily Rene’,

I am so sad to have lost you my sweet baby girl. I hope you know how much Ted & I love you and will always love you. I felt a close bond with you in my womb, and so enjoyed your presence with me for those 6 months we had together. I treasured the pictures I saw of you, and the last one at 20 weeks where you were so active and moving and kicking around in my tummy will forever be in my mind. I am so sad you had to leave us so soon. I am sorry you did not get to grow up here on earth with us.

I am sorry that I only got to hold you just one time one day here on earth with me. I wish I could have heard you cry, coo, babble, and eventually learn to talk. You were precious with your tiny feet and tiny hands, your cute ears, and your long legs. I would have loved cuddling with you and hugging and kissing you every day as a little baby here with me. I wish I could have watched you grow and learn here in this world with me. I miss that we didn’t get to read stories together and have prayers together.

I wanted to learn all the joys and struggles of being a first time mommy with you. I wanted to feed you and change you, and learn how to best meet your needs. I am sad without you here with me.

I am sorry you didn’t get to meet all of the little babies that are being born to our friends Jake , Levi, and Luke, and a few others already here and on the way. You guys were all supposed to grow up together in our church family. Their parents loved you dearly and will miss you as well.

You will always be our first born child and we will never forget you. You have two grandmothers and a grandfather who held you and love you very much. We wish we could have had more time with you as a family.

I will always wonder what you would have looked like growing up, how your personality would have developed and all the adventures you would have experienced with us. I wish we could have done so many things as a family. I would have run you many miles in a jogging stroller, we would have loved to have taken you camping and on many adventures in the outdoors.

I hope you will always know how much we love you and how much we miss you. I hope that God is holding you tight and comforting you in heaven. I hope you are safe and living in eternity. I hope for the day when we will get to meet again.

Love,

Your Mommy

May we all take moments in our busy lives to remember those loved ones lost to us here on earth. May God help comfort our deep sorrows, and may we trust that they are with our Lord entrusted to his care.

Stopping to Catch my Breath

2010-10-29T11:04:00.003-05:00

This is a beautiful letter I read in a devotion this morning, it was uplifting for me, so I hope it can bring comfort and encouragement to others:

"Beloved,
Celebrate all that you are, all that you are becoming! The radiant beauty of your smile is a reflection of the light that is glowing within you. Let your light shine for all to see and know that you are a source of both comfort and joy for others. Your life is a manificent journey---a spiritual journey in which you will discover what you are capable of achieving. Always be the best you can be, do the best you are capable of doing. When you do, you truly will be celebrating life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you all the way. Let My love be a healing balm that gently soothes you. Rest assured that with every step you take, you are walking a path that will lead you to great and greater accomplishments."

"The Darknes is passing away and the true light is already shining" -1John 2:8

Well, I can't quite figure out what happened to October, but wow it is leaving me behind and November and the Holidays are facing me full speed ahead, and nothing can slow them down. I am a person that often finds myself running around in circles, sprinting, and dashing all over the place trying to keep up with my busy life. It is funny right now when it returns to that hectic place, because when I stop and think about it, I really don't have too much to complain about or be stressed about. I am just a "go" "go" "go" girl, and I am constantly having to tell myself to stop, take a rest, and catch my breath for awhile.

Well, today is finally a great day of rest for me. I am sitting here on my back patio typing and enjoying a beautiful morning off work from the hospital. I apologize for this long gap in posting after sending a message to everyone that I was off to Portland to do a marathon, and then just providing silence for these past 3 weeks. I honestly don't know how those 3 weeks escaped me so quickly.

Anyway, we made it to Portland. It was a great vacation! The marathon was a great experience, I did finish! But, I will be honest, it was a tough one for me. But, it was number 13, so maybe I can use the excuse, that it was just "unlucky" # 13 for me. Others might be thinking, what the heck are you thinking doing 13 marathons anyway??

Well, it started out well. I was a little emotional in the beginning. Part of me was excited, I was able to think about what all had happened in the past several months. I felt a bit of a sense of joy and peace that I had made it through the tough days and months, continued on in the journey, and arrived there at the starting line of a marathon. Even in light of the pain and struggle we went through, I also recognize, that I am truly blessed with my health, a great family, and a supportive husband, who walked me in the cold rain that morning to get me to the start line that day.

I cried a little as the race started, the beginning is a bit exhilarating no matter how many I do. But, I also felt this surge of mixed emotions sad and happy, thinking about our baby Lily, and wanting to honor her. Then, to be honest there was a little part of me that was thinking, "Holy cow I have decided to run another whole marathon....here goes, we have a long way to go today!" And a little bit of "Why did I decide to do yet another one of these crazy things??"

Anyway, I won't go into all the details, but I ran pretty steady not real fast for me, but not too slow for the first half. Then, by mile 13 and 14, I was feeling pretty crappy. My legs were cramping, I was pretty cold, and my body was just feeling a little "off." So, I just had one of those days when things didn't go as planned, and the new plan became, "just make it to the next mile", "just make to the next water stop", "you can make to 17", "trot your way to 20", "now just keep waddling to 23", and "just grin and bear it/quit being such baby, gut out these last 3 miles", and lastly "finish this Darn thing"! SO, with each of these mini goals, one at a time, I gutted it out, and waddled on through the finish. I will be honest, even after completing 12 other marathons, and two Ironman, I did have a couple moments when I wanted to "quit" wondered if I should visit the "medical tent" (maybe as an excuse :) But, when I was able to get inside my own head and try to realize some of the things that were most frustrating, such as feeling so slow, I remembered that speed was not why I showed up that day, and some obsessions related to my previous hard core racing days, were not important that day either. Once I reminded myself of these things, and got over my pride a bit, I realized I just needed to keep going, not for anyone else, but for myself.

So, I finally made it to the finish, yes a little disappointed in having a pretty "poor" race in my book. But, I was proud of myself for finishing, and for trying to keep hold of my own personal purposes and reasons for being there. With those in clear focus, I knew a finish that day was a truly amazing accomplishment for me, and I allowed myself to carry the big grin that I love to wear, and feel truly proud that I had even made it to the start, and then battled it out to the finish!

The journey we walked and seemingly crawled at times over the summer and fall after losing our baby, was very similar in alot of ways to the race that day. We were tired, weary, frustrated, and just wanted to quit at times. But, we got through the days one day at a time, and finally just as many promised, the days finally started getting much easier. About the time of the marathon earlier this month, is also the time in my life when I was feeling we had truly come more close to being "finished" with the toughest parts of our journey. I feel truly greatful for God, many great people, and some hard core determination keeping us moving forward to brighter days ahead.

Some days you just have to gut it out, allow yourself to struggle, feel a little slower than normal, and be proud more of the journey and growth that come along the way. After these periods of struggle, it is so nice to feel the joy of victory, wear your personal medal of honor proudly, and then take some time to just rest and allow yourself to catch your breath!

God Bless,

Running on Faith, Friends, Good Coffee, and heading to Portland!

2010-10-05T21:47:00.003-05:00

Well, after a somewhat low point in my journey a couple of weeks ago, I am happy to report, some better spirits, and some fun events for me on the horizon. When I lost Lily in the late spring, I felt lost, and frustrated at being out of shape from the pregnancy, especially since I didn't have a baby at home, to make it all seem more worthwhile.

So, I needed a goal, something to keep me busy, and something to help me get back in shape! So, just like any other normal human being would do, I simply signed up for a marathon :) If you don't know my history, see post from 2 years ago, "Morning Marathon Confessions." Anyway, I have a history, maybe even slight "addiction" for signing up for crazy events.   In some ways, I knew it would be a good thing to help keep me occupied for the summer and fall. I also decided in the back of my mind, it could in a sense, be something I could do in honor of Lily, before consuming myself and focus with thoughts of having other children. I remember sending an email to my old triathlon coach and one of my best training buddies back in May, announcing that my "next phase" of "therapy" was now beginning, "My Running." The doctor had cleared me to run two weeks after I delivered, so I quickly signed up for a Marathon, and rushed out to buy a new pair of running shoes!

So, the training began for the Portland Marathon to take place 10/10/10....The training started out pretty well in June and July. I had some good therapeutic chats and long runs with my friend Andrea, getting up to 18 miles pretty quickly by July. When August rolled around, I was still on track, hitting a 20 miler around the second week of August.

Then, the rest of August, I struggled a bit with my training. I was honestly sick of the scorching heat and humidity in Dallas, and honestly a little depressed as our due date hit in mid-August. The combination of the two, found me sleeping in a bit more, and cutting my runs a little short. Before I knew it, September was rolling around, and I was not sure what I was going to do about this race. I felt torn, part of me really wanted to complete the race, but part of me just wanted to forget about it. I had this other struggle with trying not to get too obsessed with this race, and trying to have a little fun (since I had spent two years of my life racing and obsessing about my racing performances for the Ironman, etc.). Well, that little fun this summer, became more and more fun, as I would drop everything and take off to the lake with various friends, skipping my long runs a few weekends, but having a grand time at the lake :) And, overall, I really enjoyed trying not to make the marathon my main focus.  But, it was a struggle keeping it balanced devoting enough energy to the training, but keeping priorities and focus on other more important things as well at the time.

Well, long story short, I got back to my more consistent training mid-September as the weather was cooler, and as I started my "New Season" personally. I gave myself an ultimatum, that I needed to get another 20 miler in ASAP, or this marathon was going to be pretty miserable, due to my lack of recent long runs. So, on a rainy Saturday just 2 weeks ago, with my faithful friend Andrea, I headed out in the pouring rain and started our morning journey to get this long run done! It turned out to be one of the first really cool days in Dallas, and the rain never really got too bad, just a steady constant rain. It actually was so refreshing just running along with one of my best friends, sharing various stories of our life journeys, and splashing through the puddles along the way! Completing this 20 miler, I knew I would have to complete this marathon after all, and felt a relief to have completed at least one more solid long run.

I say all of this just to be honest, that no matter how many races you have done as an athlete, recreational runner, or even completed an Ironman in my case, training can be a challenge for various reasons at different points along the way. Life is complicated at times, sometimes we get a bit off track, and sometimes we just want to stop and give up when things get tough. But, with a little faith, some good friends, and good old fashioned determination, we can overcome hardships, and meet our goals, despite difficult obstacles along the way.

I have been thinking a great deal about the last few weeks, and how I truly feel my spirits lifting overall, even in the midst of some really tough days. I keep feeling so thankful for some of the wonderful people I have in my life, that have so helped me through this journey of losing Lily.   I am also daily amazed at the wonderful encouragement that can come from unexpected people, situations, and even strangers. I have to admit, even some of the comments I have received from long lost friends, various people who know me here in Dallas, and others who know my story or have read this blog, have meant so much to me.   These kind and comforting words have been so precious to me, and have come in such surprisingly and wonderful ways at times.

I still get sad at times, I still think of Lily often. But, as I continue along the path and try to hold on to my faith and hope in God. I  know that I will be able to keep running with my head up in this journey. I feel my burdens a little lighter these days. I am loving the crisp coolness in the Fall air right now, it is so refreshing to for my running and for my soul! As the weather cools, I also more so enjoy the refreshing smell and taste of my morning coffee, to get me going each day. I have felt such joy some mornings lately, knowing that I truly feel lighter and happier in my soul, feeling a slight sense of peace that has been missing for quite some time now, slowly returning in my everyday life.

So, I thank God for helping me keep my faith, for some truly amazing friends old and new, for some good doses of coffee and motivation, to keep me energized and feeling refreshed! So, we will head to Portland on Thursday, and I am excited to know that I will be running the Marathon on Sunday 10/10/10.

The picture above is of Multnomah falls, one of the "must-see" sights of pure beauty near Portland. I am hoping to take a short hike there maybe Monday after the race :) I can't wait to enjoy some other wonders of nature and some good fun and adventure with Ted. I think it will be so great for us to get away and just enjoy a relaxing vacation. And, in case you feel sorry for Ted traveling all the way to Portland, for yet another race of mine...Just know, that he has booked us on an Full day Fishing charter from Seattle, for the following Wednesday. So, we are all about keeping things "fair" in our marriage for this trip.

So, I look forward to experiencing not "just another marathon" on Sunday, but a instead a special day to remember. Hopefully, a day to enjoy, as I reflect on events and struggles of this past year. I hope to feel a little bit thankful that I have made it this far since we lost Lily in April. It has been a heck of hilly slow climb at times. But we are still moving forward one step at a time. I am learning more and more, life is about enjoying day to day moments and making the best of each day as we can, accepting that some days will be much tougher than others along the way, but trusting that with the help of God, we can keep running along the path that has been set forth for us, knowing that we are not alone.

Bumps in the road, but Moving Along

2010-09-24T12:44:00.001-05:00

This was a helpful quote from a little devotion I read this morning:
"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."
-Bernice Johnson Reagon

I have wondered since I started writing this blog how honest I should really be, and how much I should really share of the little day to day events that I struggle with. I don't want to just start whining incessantly or depress you all, but I also want to be honest with some of my struggles I endure along this journey since we lost Lily.

So, I will share a few events from the last week or so. I still feel much more at peace overall. I am not so constantly sad, and I feel hope more often I as am in this period of waiting. I think I am learning alot about patience and trusting God one day at at time. There are so many unknowns at times, but I try to focus on each day individually and not get to caught up in all the "what ifs" that are unknown in the days to come.

However, I will admit this is alot easier said than done from moment to moment throughout the day. I was only pregnant with Lily for 6 months, which was a long time for me, but in the grand scheme of life, is relatively short. Anyway, I would think that since it was 6 months, and it ended back in April, that most of the paperwork, mail, etc., other dealings would be done and behind us.

But, unfortunately, things still come and require dealing with, even after all of these months. I got a message last week from Destination Maternity. I guess I had given them my due date. I had spent alot of money in there one day for Maternity clothes, so I guess they thought they would give me a call. Well, it was the most devastating thing ever. It was something like, "Hi Kristina, we know you have had your baby now, and we hope everything is going well...we want to invite you to bring your baby to baby yoga, even if she is just 3 weeks old, you can bring her, we hope to see you" blah blah blah... Well, this was just last week, and I just lost it, started crying and felt myself spinning into a dark depressed state for the rest of the evening. To just sit there and listen and be reminded of the loss all over again, was just too much. By the way, I did call them and tell them as kindly as I could, to please stop calling my house, and that we lost our baby.

Then, just a couple days ago, I got another bill from the hospital, and then this strange bill from 8 months ago when I had seen a specialist way back in Jan. I was thinking "Why the heck would they be sending this now, and obviously it didn't do much good, so why would I want to pay them now" Lily's gone, and the appointment was 8 months ago... Seriously!! So, I called them up as well and with the depressing news, they decided to wave the bill, seeing that it was just now arriving 8 months later!!

The last bump in the road in the past week came on Wed. evening. I told my husband I would run to the store to get a few things fairly late at night, about 10:00PM. We needed a few things and some cash for Thurs. So, I was just cruising through the store actually enjoying the quiet, since it was late. Much better than my trip to Central Market on Tues after getting off early. Every corner I turned was a newborn, a pregnant women, or a mom with cute little girls in tow. This doesn't bother me as much as it used to, but seriously Tuesday, they were out in full abundance, and I was thinking I was just about to lose my mind trying to get a few things and get outa there.

Anyway, now back to the late night at Tom Thumb. I will try to make this as short as possible. There was a family in front of me at the register taking forever at the checkout, and I noticed a baby off in the basket off to the side with a young 20 something father. Anyway, the baby was just sitting in the front part of the basket, and the dad was trying to just strap him in with the strap on the basket. I started thinking all these thoughts about...how it looked unsafe, and how I thought the baby was small enough that it should really be in a carrier. Then I thought, "Don't be so crazy Kristina, you are just being more paranoid, because you wish you had a baby, etc." Well, then the dad was turned around and not paying attention, and the baby did start to fall, started to fall head first right over the side into the back of the basket. The checker guy and myself rushed over there, and yes I actually had to catch the baby, pick it up with my own hands and hand it back to the father. Now, I am not saying this baby would have died if I would not have caught it, but it most certainly could have been injured. And, the whole thing was just so frustrating. I first looked at them and thought they were being so irresponsible, and then I had thought I was being judgmental, then only to have to go and catch their baby as they were all just not paying attention. Of course, I smiled and handed the baby back and didn't say a word. But, I was dying inside. I was so angry at God and I was so angry and jealous of this family. Not all the most Godly thoughts, but it just hurt so much. This family had all these kids and this baby, and it just seemed so unfair. I felt like it was all just being rubbed in my face. I drove home and I just started bawling and crying. Then my poor husband had to deal with me.

I know that you can't look around at life and other people and compare your experiences. It will only lead to disappointment, jealousy, anger, etc. I don't wish bad for those people or that baby, I pray that it can grow and be loved and have a wonderful life. But, at the same time, it can all be so frustrating. And, I really felt going to the store at 10:00PM, would be a pretty low risk outing for having to deal with all of these emotions all of a sudden. It is these moments that just catch me off guard, that can be so frustrating.

I guess right now my prayer is for patience and to daily continue to trust in God. I feel healing and a continued sense of peace overall from the intense grief. But, I struggle with feeling a little lost. I have so many friends who are in the midst of raising their children, and I had joined the club I thought, and then without warning, I was back out again. It's no one's fault, and there are so many people that would love for us to have a child, but for now, we have to just keep living the life we have.

I am often a person who is about having huge goals, and always needing another one for the future. Well, this can be good and bad. It has been good for accomplishing some great dreams and having some wonderful experiences. But, when you go from training full force for two Ironman triathlons, then to being pregnant and training in my mind full force for being a mommy....there is danger in them both being over for now. I feel lost at times, without a clear purpose. But, I think God is also teaching me alot about trusting him and his purposes and goals for me, instead of me trying to be in control and making my own big goals for myself.

The days are funny, some days I feel great, back to a more regular routine, content with my job, content with the calmness in our life in alot of ways. I know in my heart if we have another child, that this peace and calm will go away in a second, so maybe I should enjoy it and soak it up for now. Other days, the quiet in the house, seems lonely, and it leaves me feeling restless.

One morning recently, I woke up and I was just very sad again. I sat at the kitchen table and I stared at the bill from the hospital on the table, and I note I had crossed off that said, "call and cancel daycares" (had been putting this off for awhile), then to the wall full of baby announcements from friends, and I just felt so sad, I just cried, and sat there for awhile, not really being able to get up and do anything for a bit.

But, in the midst of all of the sadness and confusion, I do have hope for the future. I do see that God can use me day to day in small and big ways in the lives of other people if I allow him. I do have perspective from my job at the hospital, that sometimes really bad things happen to really good people, it is just a reality of our life here on earth. But, with God's help and the help of those around me, we can keep on in this journey, making it over the big and small bumps in the road, knowing that one day we will be with God, and all of the pain here on earth will be taken away.

God's Peace,

Endurance must be Part of the Journey

2010-09-13T13:44:00.003-05:00

"Endurance must be a part of the journey. Life will not be easy. Questions will not be simple. We will want to stop and just sit along the pathway sometimes. But when we let go and let God guide, when we can let God provide our breath and our life, we gain the endurance God wants for each of us in our lives. In the process, our vulnerability comes to the surface, and ironically, we become strong. Not of ourselves, but as children of God. In that process, we regain our souls.

So run with endurance the race that is set before you. Run, relax, let go. And there, you’ll discover your soul. " - Michael R. Sullivan

I Love this Quote! And, it seems to sum up the last several months of my life! It kinda makes me laugh in a way. I used to send this quote out when I was training for marathons and triathlons, and then I even posted it on my facebook profile. When I think back, it is almost like I thought it would be good to "inspire others." In some ways I don't think I really grasped its full meaning in my own life back then. Maybe at the time, I was afraid to.

Well, the last several months have been full of realizations for me, that Life is NOT always Easy, and Questions are often far from SIMPLE. But, if we trust God in our lives, we gain endurance to make it through the especially tough journeys, and thus truly allow our vulnerability to come to the surface. In return, God makes as strong as children of God, therefore allowing us to regain our souls.

Grieving over the loss of our baby Lily, has required much endurance. At the beginning, it seemed almost impossible the journey that was ahead. But, as the days and months pass, I see the endurance God has produced in me, the growth, and ultimately see the hope of regaining my soul.

I cried almost daily for four months straight. Mostly in the morning by myself. It got so old after awhile, so tiring. But, the sadness needed to come out of me. The days are much brighter now. But this is not the kind of thing that will ever just "go away" completely. I have parts of me that still hurt, that are still a bit dark. I told my friend Andrea, that I notice I am a bit more "cynical" these days, and at times making some shockingly dark comments that even surprise myself in front of family and friends that I can just be honest with. I know sometimes this is just my pain coming out or me allowing myself to be true to my pain, but sometimes it is a bit disconcerting.

For, example, I said to a friend from high school just last week, whom I love dearly, "I think it wouldn't all be so bad, IF I wouldn't have had to deliver her, hold her, and then go to the Funeral Home." Holy cow, it just shocked me to just be spouting off the fact that we had made a heart wrenching visit to the funeral home. And, I don't want to depress you all with the details of the visit. But, I also want to spread awareness that Stillbirth is a complicated process. If your baby is over a certain weight, they have to release it to a funeral home. Then you have to go and sign many papers, that were plastered with "Baby Lily Martin" "Baby Girl Martin" ...etc.. Then you have to decide if you should have another service outside of the one we had at the hospital, a burial, cremation, etc. all when you are really in a state of Pure SHOCK! And to top it all off, they send you an official "Death Certificate" in the mail.

Anyway, it was a very sad and heartbreaking day that we had to endure, but God got us through, and has continued to help us through many other tough steps in the process. But, it saddens me that now I may just "offhandedly" remark to a friend, that "I had to go to a funeral home.."

I have been really feeling so much better since I wrote that post on September 1st. I truly feel that I looked forward to a turning point with the end of Summer, and the coming of a "New Season." I am trying to keep life in perspective, maintain a positive attitude, and take advantage of the days that I do have, regardless of my current circumstances that I wish could be different.

The picture I am posting is of statues that my dear friend Jennica gave us for a wedding present. She lived in Indonesia and gave us these. I wish I could remember more specifics about the tradition, but we were told that it is a symbol of us being "united" in "marriage"and that we should not separate the couple. My husband has taken it seriously and makes sure they stay together even when we are dusting. We have been married for 7 years, so they have been with us for awhile. My husband is not always a man of many words, but he always amazes me at times. He did not say anything about it, but once we got Lily's ashes and brought them home in a little urn, he placed them right in front of the statues. I had not noticed them at first. Then, one day I was searching through my camera, and found this picture he had taken without saying a word. It was so sweet, I realized he had placed her there with us, and that we were all together, and would surely all be re-united more fully in heaven one day. I looked up on the shelf, and there we were all together, just as in the picture.

So, we press on in our journey seeing more brightness and feeling less consumed by the dark woods! God, has definitely given me endurance for this journey and shaped my character in beautiful ways, as I more fully allow my vulnerability to come to the surface, and have allowed him to give me Hope and Restoration of my Soul!

May God Bless you All,

Looking forward to a New Season

2010-09-01T22:17:00.002-05:00

I had this thought a few weeks ago, that if I could just make it past August and into September, that I would look forward to the end of Summer and the start of a "New Season" literally to escape the dreadful heat here in Dallas, and personally to have a fresh start on a new phase of life moving on past this intense phase of grieving. I realized in the middle of today, "I made it!" September has arrived folks, and I felt a little glimmer of hope and relief, that we really were going to make it out of this tough phase of life and hopefully find some brighter journeys ahead.

I talked with my friend Autumn from Michigan (who now lives in Nashville) two nights ago, and I just had this funny thought, that it was very fitting, that "Autumn" gave me a full dose of inspiration to finish out the last few tough days of summer, and I look forward to new things to come as we move right into the Season of "Autumn" :) It was so amazing how I just spilled my guts to her after not talking for so long, it is great how certain friends will always be that way, no matter how long the gaps are. She gives her life and time to mission work visiting orphans all over the world. And, lets just say that when I talk to her and hear her passion and see how she is so excited about what she does, I clearly see and feel more than amazed by what God can do in a person's life if they are willing to trust him and take on true adventure.

I was surprised as I was leaving work today, to find that it had started pouring down rain here in Dallas! Despite the fact that I had no umbrella and was wearing "white" slacks and looked and felt like a dripping wet dog as I arrived at my car in the parking lot, It was actually so refreshing to see the rain coming down. I felt as though we really were starting September in a fresh new way! As I got in the car I started thinking about a song that I have been playing over and over in my car with some other songs, that have helped as I have struggled to makes sense of things the past few months. Here are the lyrics (by Mercy Me)

"Jesus Bring the Rain"
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

So, looking forward to a new season, and some cooler weather! The days are still rough at times, I had a few tears today, and if you asked my husband, a bit of a "freaking out" session, regarding wishing I could control very specifically all of the upcoming events of my future and know them all in advance right now!! But, I made it out for a short jog to clear the mind, and I am working on some things that I am really excited about on the side right now.

Growing Pains Bringing Joy

2010-08-29T22:50:00.005-05:00

My life is so different in some ways these days, and in other ways it is just the same as it was before being pregnant. It is strange waking up some days feeling more normal, less sad, lighter in my soul. Then I might have a moment of 10 minutes driving to work crying tears streaming down my face. But, then I might go a whole day at work, touched by patients, enjoying silly chatter with co-workers, not thinking much about what has happened and just going through day to day life not so consumed with thinking about it.

I went through all the stages of grief at some point, the problem is sometimes you re-visit all of them again. It is more like you are are just a ping pong bouncing back and forth between the various stages. I reached a point recently when I felt like I was feeling more into the "acceptance" phase. Then I woke up one day and I was incredibly angry all over again. It is so crazy to have so many emotions hitting you suddenly at different times unexpectedly.

For a long time, I just got so lost in all of this, and I couldn't see any end in sight. But, in the past couple of weeks, even in the midst of some tough days, I have had some very interesting moments of shear realization of other possible purposes for my life day to day right now, while I wait and wonder if we will possibly ever be parents again in the future.

I gave a speech at a church forum yesterday. It was short, just 5 minutes, but I felt good about it. I stood up and talked about my small group and even a little about our loss. In the morning I was thinking, "What the heck was I thinking signing up to go talk in front of a crowd, much less to talk about my current struggle??" I finished, and I felt good about it, that God had given me the strength to stand up and share a more personal part of my story. My mom made a good point at lunch yesterday. Once you have gone through something so devastating and survived....you can approach life and obstacles with less fearfulness, because you are already in the process of overcoming one of your worst fears ever, losing a child.

This morning was a rough morning again. I am off work, should be a relaxing peaceful day. But, when I am alone, the sadness comes in waves. It is probably good, to just get all the crying out at times, but surprises me how it still comes with such force sometimes. I was thinking, "Crap!" "I was doing so well yesterday, now what do I do?."

Then, on my run, I had this thought, that God longs for me to run to him and let him comfort me. I think since I have such a hard time asking others for help and opening up about my struggles at times, it sometimes transfers into my spiritual life as well. I run around trying to take care of it on my own, instead of allowing myself to be still, and feel his comfort, and ask others to pray for me when I can't get the words or strength to pray for myself.

And those of you that know me as so hard core and think running always comes easy for me, just know that it took me about an hour to talk myself into getting out the door today, then it was a slow 4 miles, that didn't really feel that great. So, just know even this "Ironwoman" has bad days when it comes to exercise and motivation! But, I am glad I got my booty out there, I do feel better now!

Anyway, even though I maybe should have asked 4 months ago. Please continue to pray for me, your words of encouragement help me even now after all these months. Thanks so much for all the outpouring of support we have received. It means more than I could ever express. But, please continue to pray for me and my husband, that God would comfort us, and help me to trust him even in these times of uncertainty.

The Loss of our Sweet Baby Lily

2010-08-27T14:50:00.005-05:00

The Last four Months have been a blurr. I keep hearing that journaling will be so "therapeutic." At times I love to write. But, I have been scared to do much of it lately. But, at the same time, my heart yearns to find more healing in my soul and to bring more awareness of late pregnancy loss and its devastating journey to find healing and peace.

April 27, 2010 - My mom's birthday..... Was the day my life was turned upside down, my faith shaken, and my soul saddened.
April 29, 2010 - the Sadness was deepened with the delivery and loss of our sweet baby girl, Lily Rene' Martin.

I was 6 months pregnant, enjoying a very healthy non-eventful pregnancy. When a regular check-up unfortunately found my sweet baby to no longer have a heartbeat. I was in shock to say the least, and I remained in that shock for a long time. Two days later, I was admitted to the hospital, labor induced, and unfortunately faced with delivering my sweet baby girl, stillborn, whom I had so many dreams and hopes for as a mother.

She was fully formed just as a tiny precious baby fully intact fingers, toes, face. But, sadly she would never take a breath here on earth outside from my womb, where she had been so alive, healthy, and active for several months. They think her umbilical cord got kinked and cut off her nutrition. It still doesn't make sense at times, but this is what we are left to deal with.

I won't go into all the details of the delivery for now. But it was the hardest thing I will probably ever have to endure, and of course the hardest thing by far that I have ever been faced with at this point in my life. We held her, we cried, I kissed her tiny little feet. And, my soul began to ache deeper than I ever knew possible that day, and still aches so deeply today.

I am known as a "strong" woman. I have completed an Ironman, I am tough, I don't cry much in public, I like to be happy go lucky, I like to think I handle most things somewhat gracefully. But, this has changed all of that for me.

At first, I thought I could just fight through this, check all the steps of the grieving process off, and leave it behind me. Well, I quickly found that I was not strong enough for this on my own. It was way too BIG, and it has been so scary, coming to this realization.

I am a little "OCD" and "Perfectionistic/Overachieving" at times. So, I read 5 books on grieving the death of your baby. While many parts of all of them were helpful and insightful, I realized that this reading/processing would unfortunately not take away the pain or sadness, it would not make me "better faster." I was going to have to ride these waves of this storm out, and there was no clear way to get back to shore by trying to "swim faster."

I have spent the last several months on the roller coaster of "hell" at times. At other times, I have felt the sweet comforting presence of God, friends, and family surrounding so tightly and so comfortably. I have days of many questions of God, days where I just don't think I can take much more. But, I have made it this far, and I have enough hope to know that God will somehow get me through this wilderness of sadness, despair, and utter confusion.

Some days I have truly felt as though I was going "crazy," losing my mind completely. This wasn't supposed to be. Other days, I feel the presence of God, and the striking clarity of life and what is truly important.

We hit our due date for Lily on August 13, 2010. So, after a period of feeling like I was doing pretty well this summer, we were hit with this sad reminder of our loss, and what might have been. But, we made it through the day, and have continued to experience joys and pain of everyday life since then. We don't have other children, so at times we feel lost, without a clear purpose. We had spent so many months getting excited about becoming new parents and raising Lily here on earth with us, our family, and our friends. The days are confusing at times, but routines re-surface, jobs continue, and we see that we can find some sense of rhythm in this day to day life even with the uncertainty of what our future might bring.

Parts of me feel more peace coming each day, despite the really tough days. I have hope at times of what the future might bring for us, and I feel a quiet peace. It doesn't stay full time in my soul, but it feels so soothing, after all these months of pain. I hope I can hang on to this hope and and faith, or at least wake up each day and ask God to help me find it once again.

And, I want to be truly honest about how I have gone about achieving this peace. Not in my old Kristina way, of "being tough, digging my heels in, working harder, doing it on my own. " No, I have been on my knees, helpless and only raised from my weakness by letting my friends help me, letting my family love me, growing more deeply in my marriage with Ted, and pleading desparately with God. I have also attended many hours of professional counseling as well as a support group. I want to admit, that though I am known for always wearing a "smile," and being pretty "strong"....I am not as strong as people might think, and I am truly grateful for all the people that have walked this journey with me.

My favorite verses growing up have been coming back to me, and I have been wrestling with one passage in particular. It used to make me think of running, suffering in marathons, completing Ironmans, building character in every day life. But, now facing something so Big, it is a little more difficult to grasp it so whole heartedly. This experience is way Bigger than either of my Ironman, way Bigger than most things I could have imagined. But, if I let the words seep into my soul, I can hold onto their truth and promise.

Phil 3:10-14
"I want to know Christ and the Power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow, to attain to the Resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Jesus Christ took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But, one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Ironman Devotion from Mom

2008-07-13T00:31:00.003-05:00

-I was just updating my blog thinking about the various events of the past few months in my life. Then, I browsed the blogs of several of my friends. I had some funny thoughts in the process about how my blog seems kinda silly in some ways, filled with pictures of me running and doing triathlons. Most of my friends are writing about the joys of their children and their daily discoveries. As much as I love training and racing, my blog seems a little more self-centered than most of my other friends who are at a different stage in their lives. Anyway, my mom sent me this devotion the other day, and it inspired me to think about my faith and really think about shaping my character with these races and events that I focus on. I feel in some ways God has enlightened some self-discoveries and helped me to become a better person in these past several months of training and in these moments I feel at peace with my current focus. However, I know this is not a permanent phase in my life. In some ways, I look forward to the day of possibly posting pictures of my own children and their events rather than pages and pages of my own race stories. BUT-for now I don't have kids, and I truly do feel my training and racing can produce life changing character in me if I allow God to do so. It is a delicate balance though. Of course I am competitive, of course I get obsessed about my next event, and in some ways this is how God made me...but in the grand scheme of life, there are much grander things to focus on. I hope that as I train to complete my Ironman, that I can think about some life parallels that are more important than my next race. I hope that God can use these experiences to help me for whatever the next phase in life will bring. For now, I will enjoy checking all the cute pics of my friend's kids and continue to be more than a bit "obsessive" about my upcoming challenge of the Ironman, my gear, and my competitive nature. But, as my mom's devotion lays out a beautiful prayer below, may it be my prayer for suffering in competition as well as my prayer for life after Ironman training. May any suffering I endure, produce endurance, character, and ultimately Hope, as I continue on in my journey of life.

Here is the entire devotion that my mom sent:
"Read Romans 5:1-5

Paul’s poetic logic goes like this:

Rejoice in suffering,
Since suffering produces endurance,
Which produces character
Which produces hope.

We once thought that Paul’s poetic words were really more rhetoric than reality. Beautiful, but more lines of poetry than means of production. Then we became distance runners. And in distance running we found that Paul describes a basic dynamic of life, the actual dynamic of human growth. Suffering – putting in the miles – really does produce endurance. And when you have built endurance, it changes your character. And the new renewed character does produce hope.

Some disciplined and joyful runners who inspired us often ran rejoicing in their sufferings. Paul, Porter, and Terrell would call out, perhaps five or even ten miles into a run, “I feel happy! I feel healthy! I feel terrific!” Their enthusiasm was contagious.

One of the most surprising scenes of hope and joy is an Ironman Triathlon finish line. After 2.4 miles of swimming, 112 miles of biking, and 26.2 miles of running, triathletes finish with huge smiles. The suffering has produced endurance that produces character, which produces hope.

One of us coaches cross country; the other runs cross country. High school students struggle to run at 6:00 AM before school. Some come and stick with it. Others do not. The difference so often between those who keep on running and those who don’t is learning to rejoice in the suffering, to rejoice in the effort that eventually leads to hope. And hope does not disappoint us, “because God’s love has been poured into our hearts.”

PRAYER: O God who goes the distance, help us embrace the suffering, knowing that you will transform it into endurance into character into hope – and your hope does not disappoint. Amen."

By Roy and John Herron

Vacation!

2008-07-12T23:11:00.001-05:00

We loved Seattle in February 2007 for our anniversary trip, so we decided to head back for 2008, but this time in the summer. I had signed up for a litte Half Ironman, which took up a good chunk of our time in the middle of the trip, but Ted was glad that he was able to get a spot on a fishing charter the day after my race! He is a creature of habit, so we enjoyed revisiting our favorite restaurant, Chandler's, where he had some great Crab! It was beautiful eating there, the weather was about 70ish and we sat out on the patio enjoying the great view of the water and boats going by. Ted was able to fish with our same guide from last trip, and he enjoyed that quite a bit. I personally enjoyed the Salmon that he caught and grilled for me on the night of our return! :) For those of you that know about Ted's grilling, know that I am definitely spoiled when it comes to getting good meals from his passion as a grillmeister! I was pretty good before the race about trying to eat pretty well and keep my alcohol consumption to a minimum. But, the day after the race we enjoyed a nice patio meal consisting of popcorn "fried" shrimp, chicken strips, french fries, and my favorite beer, "blue moon." It was nice to kick back and enjoy "the day after!" But, I must say my stomach did not feel so great after that meal, but it tasted great!

2008-07-12T22:21:00.000-05:00

Lake Stevens 70.3 Half Ironman! July 6, 2008

2008-07-12T22:13:00.004-05:00

I completed my 2nd Half Ironman this past Sunday near Seattle, WA at Lake Stevens. All in all it was a great experience and a challenging race for me. The scenery was beautiful and the hills were abundant! Thanks to the kind listening ears/emails of some friends and my coach, I have now finally stopped obsessing over the many minute details of the race and I won't bore you with them all here. I consider myself more of a runner by experience, so this whole long distance tri thing is a whole different game for me. It is a different form of mental focus that I am still learning. I was a little freaked about the thought of having to complete double the distances for the Full Ironman in just about two months after finishing this challenging race, but as the days pass, I am forgetting the struggles and just focusing on training one day at a time for that "double"distance race coming up! I'm "Going for Gavin" as he fights Cancer month after month, I hope to endure just one day of hardship and complete an Ironman!

As for this Lake Stevens Race, I swam 1.2 miles, biked 56, and ran a half marathon. My overall time was 5:26, which was faster than my last Half race in Orlando in 2006, so that was a good thing! I made this goal and signed up way back in January, so it is definitely great to have completed it! Now onto training for the Full - Yikes!!!

My own "Mini Retreat"

2008-07-12T21:26:00.003-05:00

June 20-21st Some people like to get away every once and awhile and enjoy a little retreat. Well, I had my own sort of mini-retreat in June as I attended "Triathlon Camp" in Oklahoma. To me it seemed like a great idea to help get me prepared for my upcoming Half Ironman and to enjoy some nice time away in a cabin along with some good time in the great outdoors with other fellow triathletes. Well, I quickly realized that this whole concept was a little strange as I tried to explain it when first requesting time off at work, then to other friends. You should see the funny faces people made, when I mentioned "Triathlon Camp!!" I still remember a text message I received from my good buddy Janice, that said something like, "I did not know you were headed off to triathlon camp, you are such a NERD!" Anyway, it was some great riding, lake swimming, and a little running. I hung out with the Fit2Train group, and I was glad to find out that although I was amongst some very "hard core" athletes who are competitive about their triathlons, they were also a great group who knew how to mix in some good "clean" fun and not get too uptight about the ins and outs of proper training, nutrition, etc. I especially enjoyed indulging in some high calorie snacks and beverages with them post-workouts. (Braums, Burgers, Beer, etc.) I had started getting a little burned out with my training in early June, and this little weekend getaway came at a great time for me. I am a pretty big NERD, so I enjoyed staying in a cabin by myself, cooking my own chocolate chip pancakes, obsessing over my triathlon gear/bike, cliff bars, gus, etc., and talking alot of "Tri" talk with other Triathlon enthusiasts! We covered two 60 mile rides, two long lake swims, and a 10 mile run....what else could you ask for a "mini-retreat"??

Wine Party for Gavin

2008-07-12T21:04:00.004-05:00

June 14, 2008 We had a great time at the Wine party for Gavin. I posted the note from evite below, mostly to remind myself to continuously pray and remember Gavin and the Smith family as I continue to train for various races and prepare for my first ever Ironman! Thanks to all of you that were able to come to the event and/or donate! It was greatly appreciated! The address is listed below if anyone else would like to donate to the Medical Fund for Gavin!

SUMMER WINE BENEFIT FOR GAVIN Please join us for an evening of wine to raise money for The Gavin Smith Medical Fund.

My friends, Stacie & Jeff, and their sweet little Gavin are fighting hard to Cure Gavin's cancer. As many of you know, the last few months have been extremely tough for their family. I'm in the midst of training for an Ironman and I feel my training is a way for me to remember the Smith family and all of the trials and tribulations they are going through... So I am dedicating my efforts to Gavin. I told Stacie it is like they are having to make it through an Ironman and Many Marathons each and every day with all the daily challenges that Gavin has to endure.. I am blessed that I have time and my good health to train for these big events, and any minor pain that I experience along the journey is nothing at all compared to living in the world of Cancer.... I am inspired each and every day by Gavin and all that he has endured and battled, he is one tough litte fighter, and I pray that he can fight and win this battle! So in my races these next few months, I'm gonna keep "Going for Gavin"

So, Join me for a Night to Raise our Glasses to a Cure and Victory for Gavin! Feel Free to Invite Your Friends!**All proceeds from this event will benefit the Gavin Smith Medical Fund If you are unable to come but would like to donate to Gavin's cause,

mail a check to:

Gavin Smith Medical Fund

Bank of AmericaTX 2-551-01-014023

Cedar Springs RoadDallas, Texas 75219

Chris Graduated!

2008-07-12T20:49:00.004-05:00

May 25, 2008 Well, as you know, I like to sometimes fit as many events as possible in the span of one day in my sometimes crazy life. My triathlon choice in Austin was strategically located to allow me to also make it just in time to my brother's graduation from Austin Presbyterian Seminary. So, after finishing the tri, I quickly showered, changed into a dress, and even Heels! (Later, I was regretting the heels decision) I headed off with my mother to attend his graduation ceremonies and festivities. Very proud of my big bro! Way to go Chris!

Long Time No Blog

2008-07-12T20:28:00.004-05:00

It's July now...crazy how time flies. My life has slowed a little this week after a nice relaxing vacation to Seattle along with the completion of a Half Ironman, so I am going to attempt to recap some of the important moments in the past few months of the Martins!

May 25, 2008 - I completed the Cap Tex Tri in Austin and had great fun hanging out and sharing the race experience with my training buddy Robin. I had not done an Olympic tri in over two years, so it was a little nerve racking. It was great experience though and overall a fun day. I had a great bike that day, the fastest ever clocked in a race for me. The run was tough, a little side cramping...or maybe alot...but I thought about Gavin and I tried to push on through! I clocked 2:36 that day, which was about 15 minutes faster than my Cap Tex tri 3 years ago with the same course. In 2005, I did a little pre-race waterskiing and hanging out in the sun for 3 days straight with buddies, but for 2008, I decided to forgo the prerace water ski trip, so I guess that was a good decision!

As I wrote before my marathon, I have decided to try and dedicate all of my racing efforts to my friend Stacie's son, Gavin, who is battling cancer. I happened to visit Stacie at Children's for a while the Friday before leaving town for Austin for the race. It was very inspiring to quickly be reminded of their current life circumstances and the daily battles they were fighting. It was good timing for me. During the race, when I had those stomach issues and started to walk during the run, I quickly remembered how much stomach trauma poor little Gavin had been through with all the chemo, etc. I knew my suffering was pretty minor in comparison, and I was able to get running again as I thought about it. I remembered I was gonna keep "Going for Gavin!" Overall it was a fun day! My mom took the shots for me, it was great having her there! I may have lost a little time as I made sure to wave each and every time I saw her like a total cheese ball, but it was great to have her as a fan! My running shot is pretty glamorous if you take a close look... you could possibly use that for blackmailing purposes...

Hello Neighbors!!

2008-05-03T23:58:00.003-05:00

We drove an hour to a wedding today just so we could see our neighbors! Seriously, we are are the worst neighbors ever! Ted & I were out of town almost every weekend in April between the two of us! So, unfortunately it had been a long while since we had gotten to chat and catch up with our neighbors and long time friends! Vic & Kristy were surprised that in the past few weeks we had sold a boat, purchased a new car, I had run a marathon, and Ted had fished with the Pros in in South Texas. But, they were just as busy as they had been to Disney World, two retreats, and a long list of other activities... Hey guys, next time maybe we could meet out on the front porch instead of driving all the way to Pilot Point, TX! Congrats to Jason & Kellie on Tying the Knot and for helping us finally reunite with our good buddies from next door!

Baby Quinn Has Arrived

2008-05-02T12:59:00.004-05:00

My friends Kimberly and Mike are the proud parents of their second little boy, Quinn Michael Melson, born yesterday May 1st. I had the pleasure of getting a peek at little Quinn today at Baylor on my lunch hour! I also enjoyed chatting with big brother Preston, who at 2 1/2, is a rockstar son of speech therapist, Kimberly. I was so amazed at his articulate speech for such a little guy! He has been hanging out with his Grammy having a great time! He proudly announced to me, "I'm the Big Brother!" It was great to see baby Quinn and the whole family! Congrats Kimberly and Mike!!

Morning Marathon Confession

2008-05-02T11:13:00.002-05:00

As most of you know, I have an addiction to marathons......
This is the email I sent to my triathlon coach this morning:

"Confession: I have an issue with needing to sign up for another marathon as soon as I complete one, or sometimes several at once (my fall tri marathon mania :) So, Marine Corps Marathon registration opened this week (and I have yet to do this one)…. And I have a childhood friend who lives in DC…. So, I signed up…. But, of course I am a nut, because it is like 5 or 6 weeks after the Ironman (October 26)… I really am not focused at all on whether I actually complete it at this point, it is way back in my mind, but for some reason I just couldn’t control my impulses (I remember getting my credit card out to enter it in and thinking, “I won’t tell anyone about this for awhile” Crazy, huh?? Maybe that should have been a sign, to stop and think on it, but no I continued and pressed that register button. My husband said after having to confess post-sign up to him, “If you wanted to go see your friend, you could have purchased a plane ticket without having to sign up for another marathon!!” After my ironman, I may want to have nothing to do with running or working out period, so in that case, I figure I will just go see my friend and “watch” the marathon, but just in case I am healthy and feeling ok, I have a bib number :)… We have good friends in Chicago and NY as well, and 2-3 times I have done each of those marathons almost as if I think that is the only way for me to get to see them….."

Good News for Gavin!

2008-04-30T02:03:00.003-05:00

After a really tough past few days, my friends Stacie & Jeff, received good news today about Gavin.
quote from their blog:
"God's Listening"
"We believe with all of our hearts that God is listening and responding to all of our prayer requests for Gavin. We received some good news from Gavin's oncologist and knew everyone would want to hear it. "....... "The fluid pulled from last week's round of chemo (after only one dose of chemo from the week before) revealed that there were NO CANCER CELLS in the fluid. We're not out of the woods, by any stretch of the imagination, but could tell that the doctor was highly surprised by the test result."
She is referring to the CSF, which originally had cancer cells detected. He still has the spots on his spine, but this is very good news that at least the fluid is clear after just one round of chemo.

Also, Stacie just posted a link for a fund where we can donate to his medical fund. I know a few of you asked me what we can do for them. Well, I think one of the biggest things we can do is raise money for them for all of these medical expenses.

I was planning on doing an Ironman in September, but now I would like to somehow honor little Gavin and maybe have a few fundraisers leading up to my event to raise a larger amount of money for them and then present it to them. So, I will keep you posted. For now, keep the prayers flowing for disappearance and healing from all of the cancer! And here is the link again for their blog if you want the info now, feel free to donate just directly to the fund: http://www.smithscooptexas.blogspot.com/

OKC Marathon 2008

2008-04-30T00:31:00.004-05:00

OKC Marathon 2008!!

Wendy Hazelwood took these pics for me with her smokin' new camera! Thanks to Wendy for being My Head Sherpa, Curb Service Chauffeur in the rain, and for being the Best Cheerleader ever! As most of you have already heard, I had the race of my life this past Sunday in OKC! The weather was crazy chilly for April in OKC, but after our near death heatstroke in Chicago, I gladly accepted the gift from mother nature! The marathon started at 6:30 AM, so Wendy and I were up at 4:15Am, and my sweet mother in law and father in law, awoke with us, just to "see us off" and to make sure Wendy had a whole large thermos of coffee in tow for the journey. We headed South on I35 from Guthrie down into Oklahoma City. It was raining pretty steady so Wendy dropped me at the curb near the start line and she went off to park the car (What a great friend!) We met up with our Dallas buddy Biegel who would be running the Half! Even though temps were in the 40's and it was still raining, I stripped off my jacket, extra shirt and gave it all up at bag check. I tried to stay warm as it was still drizzling and pretty windy. Then, a nice opening ceremony began including 168 seconds of silence to remember those lost in the OKC bombing. Here is a blurb from the website that describes the the meaning behind this memorial marathon, and with the events of the past month in my life and friends of mine, I found it very fitting:
"On April 19, 1995, a great wrong was done in Oklahoma City. However, on this day in April the forces of fear and hate were beaten by love and compassion.The Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon is a race that is not about running—it is about life.168 banners line the marathon course, one for each victim. Those banners serve to remind us as we run that we have been given the gift of life and that it is too precious to waste. This is what the Memorial Marathon is about: realizing the preciousness of time, valuing one another, taking life as it comes and making something magic from it. Celebrating Life. You don’t have to be a runner to participate in the Memorial Marathon. All you have to do is change the world you live in one moment, one opportunity, one person at a time. It is not about running—it is about living."
I read this the night before I left town and it was very inspirational. As many of you know, my friends have a son, Gavin, who was recently diagnosed with cancer. In the past month their lives have been turned upside down and it has made all of us that know them really think about life, faith, family, friends, and making the very best of each and every moment. So, with Gavin in my mind and on my heart, I headed to the start line wanting to honor the battle he is fighting!

I tried to really stick to my plan this time of starting out slow... (only took me 11 marathons to learn that this really works!) I won't bore you with all the details of each mile, but I can't say I have ever felt better in a marathon. I trained really hard this time, thanks to lots of help from my coach, Stacy. Also, I have a developed a different sense of focus and determination since I turned 30, which has changed me in alot of ways. Anyway, the race really just flew by for me because for the most part I was feeling so great. Yes, there were some pretty hilly sections, some stiff winds occasionally, some periods of intense fatigue. But, the greatest thing about this marathon was that all of these negative aspects were just fleeting moments throughout the miles, none of them ever lingering or consuming me. Before I knew it, I was approaching mile 20, and there was Wendy cheering me on, coming up and running beside me! She and I both knew I had never run a race this well before, and she was so excited for me! She yelled out, "I talked to your mom, and she said to tell you Good Luck!" That just made me even happier. It just happened to be my mom's birthday for this fine race day. And, even though she could not be physically there, I was motivated to make her birthday a great day regardless! I looked at my watch at mile 20 and I knew that I would likely meet my goal to qualify for Boston unless something crazy happened. Then, I also realized that I had been holding back a little waiting to reach this point, and before I knew it I was speeding up focused on just a 10K to get me to the finish! I will always treasure the way I was able to finish this marathon, because you never know if you will ever feel that great at the end again. It is the first time in 11 tries for me, but I will savor every moment! I got close to the finish and I was even able to sprint a little and it felt so great, I got tears in my eyes and I just raised my hands up in the air and smiled up to the clouds and at the time clock :) Well, somehow I clocked a 3:33 on this fine day... 15 minutes less than my last PR (3:48). I still can't believe it! I have always secretly wanted to qualify for Boston, but in my 20's I wasn't always the kind of person to really focus and really go for it. I ran several marathons not trained well and several where things went pretty well, but not quite well enough. I have run some of the big marathons multiple times, some of the flattest marathons, and even hometown Whiterock 3 times. OKC is not a big marathon, not a glamorous marathon, and definitely not a flat marathon, but with the weather and the timing of many events in my life, it turned out to be The Best Marathon for me this April 2008!

Here is a link if you want to see some other pics from the marathon:
http://picasaweb.google.com/kristina.mrtn1/OKCMARATHON

2008-04-29T23:52:00.000-05:00

A Fun & Crazy Weekend in March!!

Sat. 5:15 AM - Meet Heather & Tonya, Drive to Aledo TX

Ride Bicycles 100 miles through the rolling hills in the Ride for the Heroes Rally

1:30 PM Eat A Nice Burger, Head back to Dallas

3:30 PM Shower and get ready for a Double Party night

6:30 PM Buy Wine at World Market for Tonya's Stock the Bar
(Kristina forgot to eat, no time, she's gonna be starving!!)

7:30 PM Let the Party begin at Tonya's new Casa! It was great catching up with the work crew from Baylor!
(sorry for the orange top with nasty tan lines, ouch!)

10:00 PM Head to Party 2 - Andrea's 30th B-day Soiree is in Full Swing at
the Schweitzer House...

12:30 AM Leave the Schweitzer's, Kristina is still giddy from all that riding, Ted wants to go home!

Sun. 6:30 AM - Kristina Runs 11 miles with her dog Marty at Whiterock Lake

Sun. 12:00 PM - Eat family lunch with mom & Bro. after church

Sun. 3:00 PM - Kristina runs 9 more miles to make her needed total of 20!

**** disclaimer**** Intense Triathlon training mixed with a double party night can be hazardous to your health, but thank goodness Kristina is training so much, her energy level is just now coming down to a level that others can manage with all of her fatigue from the workouts

A Fun Night!

2008-04-28T23:19:00.004-05:00

We had a great night at Tommy & Anna's wedding! We took pictures as if it was our "Second Chance Prom." Kerri finally got us all arranged on the stairs properly. Check out my nasty running and biking tan lines...lookin' so sexy with my strapless dress... Yikes...Maybe I could at least invest in a cheap spray on tan for my next night out... Well, it was a beautiful wedding at the Old Red Courthouse. All of us girlies had some fun dancing the night away. Good thing Ted drug me home before I got too crazy... As graceful as I am, it was a little dangerous dancing in my high heels a week before my marathon! Home Safe and Sound Thank Goodness!!

MS150

2008-04-28T21:41:00.004-05:00

Well, I survived my second year of the MS150!! It was great fun and I was again amazed as I rode my bike through different towns to see MS patients in wheel chairs sitting on the side of the rode cheering and saying "Thank You!" Being the sap that I am, it brought tears to my eyes a few times... With that being said, I am so glad that this is such a huge well-run event. My mom's sister has MS, and I have a friend at church with MS. It is great that they can raise so much money for such a great cause!!

Well, to even get to the start line from Dallas, it is a bit of a logistical nightmare. Friday, I drove to Austin parked my car at UT, took a bus to Houston, then I crashed with my old high school soccer buddies. I had fun catching up with Becky & Jorge and adorable little Maddy. We all went out for pasta so Brian and I could "carbo load." Linda & Brian hosted my Friday night stay...and we all woke up at the insane hour of about 4AM then headed out to start two day trek from Houston to Austin. I of course rode with the Brewery team again, "St. Arnold's." Take a look at the crazy colored jerseys! They took good care of me, fed me well, and made sure that I had plenty of choice replacement beverages on tap in La Grange. I stuck with tradition since things went pretty well last year (about 3-4 beverages and a good massage, and I was good to go for the next day). Brian and I had a good day of riding the first day, we covered 80 miles with some nice hills as you get closer to La Grange. Things got pretty nutty at the second half with a stiff headwind...but we survived and headed into camp. I showered in a shower trailer and staked out my sleeping bag on a nice patch of grass. I then headed over to visit friends on the Sun & Ski Team. We all compared and embellished stories from the grueling ride, and before you know it, I was off to sleep.

DAY 2: Woke up about 4:45 AM, only to repeat the same routine all over again!! Except this time you have to line up for about 1 1/2 hours just waiting for them to release all 13,000 riders at once from the gate... It was a pretty chilly morning, as we slowly pedaled off waiting for the crowds to thin. The rider in front of me turned back and said to me, "I can hear your teeth chattering, are you okay??" After about 20 miles, I finally warmed up a bit, although my toes stayed numb for another hour or so. I headed into my favorite part of the ride into Bueshner state park in Bastrop. It is beautiful with tree covered winding roads with some pretty crazy hills to climb. After the park, I stopped for lunch and then headed into Austin. I was lucky to jump on with a fun pace line and cruise at a nice speed drafting into Austin. Just like last year it was a great feeling riding into Austin knowing I had covered 160 miles or so on my bike! I had a celebration beverage at the St. Arnold's tent and vowed to make this my last beverage until after my upcoming marathon. Yikes in two weeks, running OKC marathon! So, I headed back to Dallas to recover and see if I could recooperate my body and prepare mentally for an upcoming Marathon! What was I thinking??!!

Relaxing Sunday

2008-04-06T16:54:00.002-05:00

Today was a nice relaxing Sunday! I am on an easier "rest" week from training, so I did not have to spend as many hours riding and running. But, I did get some nice riding in the Tour of Dallas yesterday morning. Today I did a short ride before dropping my bike off at the Bike Shop for a final tune up before heading off to Houston for the MS150 next weekend. I had a shorter run up a whiterock lake this afternoon and enjoyed the great sunny weather! I had the nice surprise of running into my good friend Andrea as I was running along.

Ted is on his way back from his fishing adventures, and I will have him write a summary to capture all of his exciting moments! He did really well and had a great time!

I love when I get time on Sunday just to relax. I have had time to think about friends in need of prayer, the blessings I have, and many other peaceful thoughts. I am in a settled routine lately, and it is good right now. Even though I am working and training quite a bit. I enjoy all the fun I get to have along with these activities. I had a nice lunch with my mom today before heading out to the Lake. I feel truly blessed to have my Mom and a great circle of friends here in Dallas.

Gavin's surgery

2008-03-25T05:55:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to update those of you who were thinking and praying for my friends Stacie/Jeff and her son Gavin. I truly believe the power of prayer and I see how it is helping this family in the midst of this crisis. The surgery went much better than expected today. They think they were able to get most or all of the tumor. There are still many hurdles to leap, but they are very pleased that the surgery today went so well! There are more specific updates about the surgery on the blog if you are interested. http://smithscooptexas.blogspot.com
Thanks for all of your prayers. I am truly amazed how communities of faith can come together and I am so thankful to see their circle of prayer and people growing by the minute, as I read all the uplifting comments on their blog. I am more aware of just how precious each day of life is and I am glad to have each of you as friends and family, I see how people are surrounding Stacie with love and prayer, and I know if that were any one of us in that situation, we would do the same for each other, and that brings peace to know that when believers are gathered, Christ is truly present in the midst of our darkest and scariest times...
God Bless,
Kristina Martin